The Love Trap

by | May 5, 2017

I’ve been bad : (

It’s mental health awareness week again and I realise I haven’t posted for ages : ((

In fact while I’m kicking myself, I’ve also been eating too much sugar and I haven’t done enough exercise, the car needs washing and … : ((((

I can feel my head drooping more and more as I shame myself with these scoldings and I know I’m not alone in this; millions of us do this all the time. I call it the love trap and it’s probably familiar to you.

Unconditional Love

I want to start by reminding you about something called unconditional love. It’s something we all crave and we have all craved since we were babies and guess what, we do actually deserve it. Unconditional love means what it says, to be loved with no conditions. I love you whatever you do / feel / like / say / want / break / forget. I might be upset with you about what you do /feel / like / say etc. I might even shout a bit. But I ALWAYS love you. Have you ever had that? What about from you to yourself? If you are nodding, you are one of the lucky ones

Conditional Love

What about conditional love, have you ever experienced that? “Wow, that deserves a hug!”, “If you do a great job I’ll give you a kiss”. Conditional love usually shows itself by the with holding of love when someone has ‘not been good enough’; “You got 5 A’s! How about that B though, you should have got 6”, “If you really loved me then you should…”. But when we did get it right and we got that reward, you felt great didn’t you? Perhaps not as content and relaxed as with that unconditional love that we crave but certainly a lot better than nothing. Right?

Notice that word ‘should’ again that I have talked about so many times. Interestingly that word has it’s roots in a much older word, ‘sceolde’ (Merriam-Webster) which looks a lot like ‘scold’ to me. ( The word has is roots in the nordic langauages and ‘should’ as in ‘you should do that’ in modern Swedish is ‘skall’ and the word for scold is ‘skälla’. Although they sound very different they have the same root.)

We carry these should or scolding messages into our adult lives when we say to ourselves I should eat less / drink less / run more / get to bed earlier / earn more / work longer etc. The things I do, not the things I am somehow define me as a better person. A better person… What does that even mean? More lovable? More worthy? More respected?

The Trap

Here is the trap as I see it. We’ll do all these shoulds to help us feel better about ourselves, and don’t get me wrong, healthy eating, less drinking, exercise etc. are all great things to do, and we will feel healthier and maybe feel better about ourselves. Until we stop. “Oh I wish I had had a run this morning, it was raining and I couldn’t be bothered, I feel bad now.”, “Why did I reward myself for not eating sugar all week by having a bar of chocolate!? I’ve failed”. Some people do manage it, they manage to run further and faster each day, they manage to give up smoking or drinking, but the “I’m a better person” reward soon plateaus and some new action needs to take its place to keep that worthy feeling inflated, and to have something new to tell others about how good we are.

The Escape

So how do we stop this cycle? Start, if you can, by imagining what life would be live if you could offer yourself unconditional love? To know that even without all of the great things that you do, you are a lovable and worthy human being.

If you can find away to do that doesn’t the purpose of those shoulds change? Instead of running to help you feel better yourself, you run because you feel better about yourself. You reduce your calories, not to help you feel more worthy, but because you feel you are worthy of looking after yourself.

And yes, I’m trying very hard not to quote a famous cosmetic brand. But you are (and so am I!).

Author - Ben Wrigley

Author - Ben Wrigley

Counsellor & Supervisor

Ben is a NCPS Humanistic Integrative counsellor and supervisor. He works one-to-one, online and in person. He helps people 18yr+  with a wide range of issues.

How can counselling help?

Unconditional love is something we all crave and we have all craved since we were babies and guess what, we do actually deserve it

Thoughts from active listeners ...

Everything has a price. The subtle art of decision making.

Maybe you’re ready to make that big decision, or multiple decisions. Maybe you’re clinging awkwardly to the barbed wire of that fence. Maybe you understand why you’re choosing to stay where you are. What ever the case it could be time to stop facing your desire to make change alone.

‘Pull Yourself Together’ – Kinder words than you think?

Breathing techniques are the easy bit. If the source or cause of your distress or unhelpful behaviour feels bigger than your capacity to make change, then counselling can help.

Who needs feelings anyway?

Living life without feelings is surely not living life to the full, it’s like blurred vision, muffled sound or numb touching.

And … How are you?

This time of year can be really hard for so many of us and for so many reasons. Counselling can be a helpful space for you to be what you need to be.

The Anxious Child

Take a breath dear superhero. We live in a world where we have forgotten how to model calm.

Can you take advice from yourself?

In counselling there can be many exercises that help us to become aware of how we keep ourselves in places we don’t actually want to be. The process of speaking these things out loud to another person, to be shared and understood together, can dramatically change our perspective.

Are you the River or the Dam?

Counselling can help you find and uncover and understand your dams and help you to re-identify with yourself while you decide if you wish to remove them. Is it time to talk?

Defences – Are they as good as they seem?

Counselling is a place you can explore the defences you have spent many years developing and honing. They were your friend once, without a doubt. Are they still helping you now?

Men, Stress and a Badge of Honour

In counselling you will not be judged for expressing what you are really feeling, you will not be doubted. We are interested less in the facts of what you need to achieve, than how you are affected by the expectations. It is an opportunity to talk freely and explore any options you may have.

Exam Time

Exam pressures can be huge for anyone, but especially children. It can also be a very difficult time for supporting parents and guardians. Counselling can help with ways to remain calm. It can help relieve some of the pressures by exploring – among other things – the impact of not achieving top marks. And it can help by exploring goals and where the pressure to perform is coming from.

Decision-making - counselling

Everything has a price. The subtle art of decision making.

Maybe you’re ready to make that big decision, or multiple decisions. Maybe you’re clinging awkwardly to the barbed wire of that fence. Maybe you understand why you’re choosing to stay where you are. What ever the case it could be time to stop facing your desire to make change alone.

Pull-Yourself-Together - Counselling

‘Pull Yourself Together’ – Kinder words than you think?

Breathing techniques are the easy bit. If the source or cause of your distress or unhelpful behaviour feels bigger than your capacity to make change, then counselling can help.

Feelings Dashboard - Counselling

Who needs feelings anyway?

Living life without feelings is surely not living life to the full, it’s like blurred vision, muffled sound or numb touching.

how-are-you - counselling

And … How are you?

This time of year can be really hard for so many of us and for so many reasons. Counselling can be a helpful space for you to be what you need to be.

Anxious Child - Counselling

The Anxious Child

Take a breath dear superhero. We live in a world where we have forgotten how to model calm.

Advice from yourself - counselling

Can you take advice from yourself?

In counselling there can be many exercises that help us to become aware of how we keep ourselves in places we don’t actually want to be. The process of speaking these things out loud to another person, to be shared and understood together, can dramatically change our perspective.

river or dam- counselling

Are you the River or the Dam?

Counselling can help you find and uncover and understand your dams and help you to re-identify with yourself while you decide if you wish to remove them. Is it time to talk?

Defences - counselling

Defences – Are they as good as they seem?

Counselling is a place you can explore the defences you have spent many years developing and honing. They were your friend once, without a doubt. Are they still helping you now?

Men Stress - counselling

Men, Stress and a Badge of Honour

In counselling you will not be judged for expressing what you are really feeling, you will not be doubted. We are interested less in the facts of what you need to achieve, than how you are affected by the expectations. It is an opportunity to talk freely and explore any options you may have.

Exams - Counselling

Exam Time

Exam pressures can be huge for anyone, but especially children. It can also be a very difficult time for supporting parents and guardians. Counselling can help with ways to remain calm. It can help relieve some of the pressures by exploring – among other things – the impact of not achieving top marks. And it can help by exploring goals and where the pressure to perform is coming from.

Share This